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No Hidden Heart
I stared with overwhelming despair through a small glass window in a door.
"The doctors say her catatonia hasn’t improved," said the nurse standing next to
me.
I nodded slowly.
"She doesn’t seem to be responding to the drugs we’ve given. There’s a part of
her that won’t accept our treatment. There’s new drugs being trialled but our
only other option is to try electroconvulsive therapy."
I shook my head, "No, no! We’re not going to hook my wife up to electrodes and
shock her body, okay? That’s not an option."
"It’s the only way she’ll recover from her mental degrading," said the nurse.
I raised my index finger up to the nurse and said clearly, "Look, I don’t care
what you want to do. The fact is she’s my wife and you are not convulsing her
body with electricity."
The nurse sighed. "Well, what do you think we should do then?"
I ran my hand through my hair and thought hard on it.
"Let me talk to her."
"There’s nothing you can say that will bring her out of her catatonia."
"You’re wrong. Just let me talk to her. I can do this."
The nurse held up her hands and said, "Alright, she’s your wife. But don’t make
things worse for her, understand?"
I nodded.
The nurse walked away and I took a deep breath and wiped my hands over my face.
I opened the door.
Inside was a nondescript room. Four white walls with a window and a blue
linoleum floor with two chairs. My heart broke to see my wife sitting motionless
on one chair. She sat with a hunch. Her dark, unkempt hair hung loose over her
face with her hands placed rigid on her lap. She looked unlike herself, dressed
blandly in a white hospital gown. My immediate response was to rush into an
embrace and cry "it’s alright"! But I knew she wouldn’t respond.
I walked over and picked up the vacant chair and reversed it to sit down in
front of her. I folded my arms on the backrest placing my chin on an arm. I
stared at my wife then reached out to part her fringe with a finger. If she knew
I was there or not, she didn’t show it. She looked with unfocused eyes at her
hands.
I sighed not knowing what to say or what would help.
"Hey, honey. It’s me, Dominic, your husband …"
No response.
"God, I feel stupid saying that. Maybe you know it’s me or not. The doctors say
some can or some are too lost. I don’t know ..."
"It was your birthday yesterday, did you know that? Vanessa and I brought you a
cake and presents. She brought you a necklace with a little gold dolphin
pendant. I didn’t help her pick it out. She did it herself. She said it reminded
her of you because dolphins are so full of love, just like Mummy. Can you
believe a little seven year old girl said that? She misses you so much and so do
I.
"Gloria, your best friend, sends her love. She said all the people at your work
are waiting for you to come back. You’re a much loved person there. People seem
to connect with your positive attitude. Gloria said she can’t come to see you as
she feels scared to see you like this. It’s not the person she knew and she
doesn’t know what to say to you. She was in tears. I can understand why, even I
find it hard to …" I let the sentence go unfinished. It would do her no
good to hear it.
"The doctors say it was your schizophrenia that caused the catatonia. It can
come on abruptly, like with you, and can last weeks. It’s been over a month now.
I don’t know why you haven’t responded to the drugs. I can’t help but think
maybe it’s something I’ve done wrong to you. Maybe you don’t want to return to
Vanessa or me. But why? We love you so much."
She sat vacant. I rested an ear on my arm and stared out the room’s window. What
could I say to help? I looked back at my wife with her muscles set rigid in a
taut pose. I had seen no sign of life. No recognition when I had visited her
over the past month. I stood by and watched the doctors inject dosages then
stand back confounded by the lack of response.
But I knew she was in there somewhere and I wasn’t going to give up.
"Your mother," I gave a short laugh, "well, she’s one strong woman, I tell you
that. She said she’s watched you grow up and had to beat down all the mental
illness battles you’ve thrown her way. She knows, as I do, that you’ll survive
this.
"I can’t help but think that if I had known more or did more to help you this
never would have happened. I didn’t really know a lot about the disorder as you
kept it to yourself because you were scared what I might think. All I thought
you had to do was take a pill every day and you’d be fine. But this? This breaks
my heart."
I rubbed my eye then shook my head.
"Well, this isn’t about who’s wrong and who’s not. Laying the seeds of regret
will only bear futility. We’re here for you, okay? We’re here so you can have
quality of life once more. So I am not leaving this room until you show me a
sign. Understand?"
She gave no response.
"And I know you can hear me."
Silence passed over us then a memory sprung to mind and I started to laugh, "Do
you remember the day when Vanessa was born? In the delivery room? I was holding
your hand as the doctors said to push. As you pushed, you let go of my hand and
grasped my throat, choking me. The nurses had to rush to my rescue as I turned
blue in the face. I collapsed on the floor and one of the nurses gave me an
oxygen mask so I could breathe again."
I laughed at the memory then let out a sigh, "Then a little girl was born and we
called her Vanessa. It was the proudest moment in my life and I was so in love
with you from that moment on."
I felt frustration grow in me, "But you’re missing this! You’re missing out on
all the special moments in Vanessa’s life, my life and you’re life. Don’t waste
this now."
I thumped my fist on my arm as I felt frustration swell into anger, "Okay,
listen to me and listen good! When I married you, I didn’t marry some mental
case. I married you for you and nothing else! You are not some label to be put
on the shelf and forgotten about. You are a human being first and you have the
right for equality as much as anyone. I know you’re still in there, baby, but
you have to fight. You have to fight because so much love awaits you. I know
it’s comfortable where you are now and I know life for you has been a struggle.
But this is not you, damn it, and I am not going to stand by and watch someone I
love dearly feel pain! Now feel something!"
No motion or response.
In anger, I picked up my chair and threw it against a wall, "Damn it feel
something!"
I fell to my knees and held her hands and said in desperation, "Do you remember
when we got married at that Ice Hotel in Sweden? Standing in the ice dome chapel
saying our vows. You said that life is like that hotel. You said everything
that’s perfect eventually melts back into nothing. Well, you are not going to
melt away from me. You are a constant and I will love you till the sky falls
down and the sea swallows us up. In sickness and in health. 'Till death do we
part and even then I would go to the bowels of hell to bring you back to
reality."
I felt tears gather in my eyes and my voice was shaky, "I am not a strong man. I
need you by my side. Please don’t hide your heart from me. Please. God, my heart
is torn and I’m bleeding love. Just give me a sign honey that your still there."
I began to sob, "Please, a sign, anything. Give me a sign. Give me a sign. Give
me a sign. Please dear God a sign. I love you with my all. Just a sign."
I hung my head with tears raining down. This is without hope. She’s too far
gone. My wife is no longer there. How can I live my life without her?
Then I felt a small wet splash on my hand. I looked up and was astounded. Tears
were running down her cheeks. Her eyes glistened with a focused clarity. I let
out a short triumphant laugh.
There was hope! I kissed her hands passionately and said, "It’s a start,
Melissa, it’s a start."
Love Lasts Forever
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